Mother: (noun) a term of address for a female parent or a woman having or regarded as having the status, function, or authority of a female parent... (verb) to perform the tasks or duties of a female parent
I never had any children of my own, but I don't feel like something is missing. I was 35 when I got married, and it took another six years for us to figure out if we were ready to have kids. By then, it just didn't happen, and after a lot of prayer and conversation, we decided that being a family of two would be just right.
After all, I've been mothering others most of my life, and count it as blessing all of those who have been a part of my classes or bible studies, and those who have come to me for a listening ear or comforting shoulder. I'm an aunt, I've served four church communities, volunteered in seven local churches and two military chapels, and been a military spouse mentor for the last 21 years... and most days, it all feels like mothering... sometimes complete with poopy diapers and quarreling children.
I came to Facebook about seven years ago, after resisting for a long while. In truth, I joined because I wanted to keep an eye and ear out for some of my military spouses who were having a rough go of it. Following their profiles and connecting with messages, emails or calls felt more present than just waiting to find out something bad or good had happened that day. I was content with my little group of about 50 friends... until one day, someone outside my Air Force family found me.
My first appointment after seminary was at a large United Methodist congregation near Charleston, SC. I stayed there for five years, meeting and marrying my husband, and then ultimately moving away when the Air Force called. It's been sixty years since our denomination began ordaining women, but even 35 years later, there were some days that being a women minister felt like a burden. But at the same time, I understood intently the need for women's leadership in the life of the church. Over 20 years later, I see the had of God moving through my ministry and the ministry of other women in the life of the church.
My first summer there, I was planning with our youth ministry team for the opening dinner, and in addition to the skit that the youth put on each year, I decided that we would open with a short liturgy that included scriptural passages that would be our theme for the year. I asked a youth from each of the 6 grades to participate in reading and leading, and remember distinctly choosing a rising 7th grader to read the passage for 1 Corinthians 13.
And when she got to the part of the passage where Paul talks about his spiritual growth, she said, "When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, reason like a child, think like a child. But now that I have become a woman, I’ve put an end to childish things" ... well it blew me away. I actually got tears in my eyes. And when I asked her about it, she told me that it felt right to her and she thought God was OK with it, too.
That teenager, now in her 30's, was the first church person to find me on Facebook. And when she found me, the gates just opened up. Many of those kids, their parents and other church members have shared memories of turning points in their faith journeys, and have told me about the way their faith remains real today, even as they are spread all over the place. I love seeing their families and watching them wrestle with what it means to be a disciple of Jesus Christ. And I thank God every day that I got to be a part of their journey... and am hopeful (and thankful) that the mistakes of my young ministry did not mess them up too badly.
In the days when I thought about not bearing children of my own, I knew that God had called me to mother in different ways. No, I haven't carried a baby in my body. No, I haven't spent years sleep-deprived from colicky babies and changes thousands of diapers, but I have celebrated new life that has come to many families and I have wept with those whose idea of family was not realized in the ways that they expected. And in the joy and in the sorrow, I have kept a mother's heart.
And so I can be joyful when a preschooler asks, "Where are your kids?" I am happy with my answer, "I don't have any kids of my own... can I borrow you if I need one?" I can be confident in responding to those who express sadness that I never experienced motherhood with a reassurance to them that God has fulfill my need to mother in the lives of countless church and military friends who need someone to be present with them in all the days of their lives.
Seven years ago, my 11-year old nephew came to visit us in Oklahoma for a week. We worked on boy scout merit badges a lot of the time, but I think he was ready to go home after about 3 days, so we spent a lot of time talking about random things in the four days he had left. One night he asked, "Aunt Deb, if you don't have any kids, whose going to take care of you when you get old?" I replied, "I guess our nieces and nephews will have to take care of us. What do you think about that?" And without batting an eye he said, "I'll do it... my sister can take care of my mom and dad... I think you guys would be easier."
As I write on this day after Mother's Day, I want to thank all the women who mothered me at different times in my life - my mom, my mother-in-law, my grandmothers, aunts and sisters, and countless friends who received me and loved me, just the way I am... and helped me to grow stronger in character and faith along the way.
At our wedding, Shawn and I chose the hymn "Praise to the Lord, the Almighty" as our entrance hymn. My favorite verse has been changed in many other hymnals, but in the United Methodist hymnal, the fourth verse is my favorite:
Like God, that is what mothers are call to do... spread grace.Praise to the Lord, who doth nourish thy life and restore thee,fitting thee well for the tasks that are ever before thee.Then to thy need God as a mother doth speed,spreading the wings of grace o'er thee.
Peace, Deb
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