It's all about friendship

Last week I went with my husband while he took a class in Ohio.  To some it would have looking boring... in a hotel room all day with no car (because he had to drive to class) and a weight limit on my luggage that kept me from taking along too many projects to keep me busy.  As it turns out, even the projects I took didn't get as much progress as I had hoped, mainly because I found a little bit of home, right there in Dayton.

You see, there in western Ohio, I had friends (hello, Katie, Alex & Carter, Tina & Emma, Terrie & Jimmy) and family (Ola, Chuck, Drew, Zach, Chelsea, Matt & Silas).  So each day was filled with opportunities to catch up with people whom I had know from my previous lives.  Katie and her sons took me to lunch on Monday.  She was a member of a bible study I led in Oklahoma and part of our tanker squadron there.  Tina and her daughter took me to lunch on Tuesday.  We used to live across the street from each other, and her husband was my doctor once upon a time.  Our few hours together grew our friendship and I am grateful for her hospitality.

On Monday night, we drove to Columbus to have dinner with my sister and her family, just in time to celebrate my nephew's 12th birthday.  Pizza, cake and Jeni's Splendid Ice Cream made for a perfect day.  And as an added bonus I got to hold my grandnephew, Silas, for a few minutes before his diaper needed to be changed.  On Tuesday night we met up with our friends Terrie and Jimmy, with whom we double dated many years ago, and who were in our wedding just six weeks before I performed their wedding.  We caught up on the happenings of our families and our lives.  I had seen them earlier this year, but for Shawn it had been over 10 years since he had seen them.  We picked up like we had just had dinner a few weeks before.

On Wednesday I worked on projects at the hotel and on Thursday, Shawn's dad drove down from Detroit and we visited the National Museum of the Air Force... and then he and I went back for a behind the scenes tour on Friday.  When Shawn was done, we drove to Michigan to spend an action-packed weekend with his family, including a volleyball game, helping around the house, grocery shopping, dinner-cooking, Christmas cookie-making, church, a visit with Aunt Fran and her whole family, visiting the cemetery, decorating the sanctuary for Advent, and dinner with the family who were our partners in crime.  All to come home and watch the last NASCAR race of the season (DVR'd for our convenience) and see Shawn's favorite driver Tony Stewart win his third championship title.

A quick flight home on Monday and we're totally settled into our routine again.  And it's all in time to have Thanksgiving dinner with some of our AF friends on Thursday, start decorating the house for Christmas over the weekend, and immerse ourselves into holiday activities and the spirit of Christ's birth.

The biggest blessing of our Air Force life is the great relationships that we have made over the years.  We have lived in and traveled to many unbelievable places, but in our remote assignments we have found that it's the friendships that carry you through.  We are blessed to know that in most of the places where the Air Force could send us, we will know somebody.  Or somebody who knows somebody we know.  And we have had great church families, mostly local folks who know that we're not around forever, but take a change to love us anyway.  And keep in touch when we go to start over someplace else.

Over the last couple of years we have also grown closer to our families.  We have realized how precious those relationships are, and are taking more opportunities to spend time together whenever we can.  And we try not to take those experiences for granted, because you never know what the next year will have in store.

So this Thanksgiving, I am grateful for family and friends... for the people who love us and for the differences we can make together in the world.  And I pray that God will continue to show me how to be a good friend and not take the friendships (and familyships) I have for granted.

Peace, Deb


My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.  Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.  John 15:12-13 (NIV)

Misuse of Power Hurts Everyone

"Power corrupts; absolute power corrupts absolutely."  Lord Acton (1887)

 There are a lot of stories in the news right now about the misuse of power.  And a lot of people are denying or defending allegations against them or those they know.  Sometimes it involves doing the wrong thing.  Other times it's about not doing the right thing when it needs to be done. Whether in politics, sports, business, military, school, church or family, the misuse of power has caused a great many people a great deal of pain.

I’ve observed some things over the last few years which have been racing around in my brain this week about what happens when a misuse of power is discovered.  First, the person accused often claims to have no idea that they have done anything wrong.  Many times this plays out as denial, to community and to self.  Or accusations that others are out to get them. Or setting up the accuser as the initiator of the incidence or as a person of lesser character.  It is a rare occurrence when someone stands up from the very beginning and says, "Yes, I did it and I'm sorry."

Second, people, while horrified, are likely to make excuses for the one who has crossed the line.  Whether it’s wealth or position or reputation as an icon, many of those who have misused their power don’t understand what all the fuss is about.  And those around them want to protect them.

Third, those of us on the sidelines are often disgusted, frustrated and angry, but don’t really know what to do.  We don’t have a good means of dealing with the disappointments that come when people we admire and love commit a terrible wrong.  So often we do nothing.

This fall (2011) we have been inundated with stories and images that make these points, some sexual, some financial, some in the realm of church life.  And again and again these stories take us away from the really important issues of the day.  We get caught up in the scandal, like rubbernecking at an accident on the side of the highway.  The details of the stories become almost unimportant in relation to the problem at the very core:  As Christians, we don’t take seriously the biblical mandate to take care of one another.

It’s not like these problems are isolated to us as Americans or the actions of present day people.  The biblical story is filled with these exact same situations, separated by a couple of thousand years.  Think of David and Bathsheba… seduction of a wife and murder of a soldier husband to cover up the crime (2 Samual 11).  Think of Jesus’ parable of the rich man and Lazarus, a pauper who begged at the rich man’s gate.  When they died, the beggar went to heaven, but the rich man to Hades, for the disregard he had shown for others when he was alive (Luke 16:19-31).  Think of Jesus’ own trial and crucifixion.  The Jewish priests and leaders trumped up charges on Jesus to get rid of his influence of others.  Even Pilate knew that Jesus was innocent and washed his hand of the matter, laying full blame on those in power in the Jewish community of Jerusalem (Matthew 27:11-26).

So if this misuse of power is endemic in our history and culture, do we have to give in and accept that “stuff just happens”?  No, I don’t believe we should.  I don’t believe that we can let that happen.  But we do have to understand the problem. 

Power or authority comes with tremendous responsibility.  Many leaders forget that is responsibility to care for and protect those under their power.  It should mean sacrifice of personal needs in order that other’s needs be met.  The problem comes when we give into the “if it feels good, do it” mentality.  This is compounded when we don’t understand that those under our authority look to us as the keepers of their wellbeing and will often do things that are wrong in order to secure their positions. 

I’ve participated in several workplace ethics seminars.  And from them I have taken away this idea - that people under our care and control do not have freewill to refuse our requests.  If we ask them to do things that are inappropriate, their first internal question is, “How will this affect my position if I say 'No"?”  Effectively, they don’t have the ability to give consent, because we hold over them a fear that their lives will be put into disorder if they refuse.  This dynamic often plays out as sexual misconduct or harassment or in financial misdoings.  And these actions don’t just affect the ones in the act… the ripple effect can be seen throughout families, companies and churches where these activities reside.  Reputations are ruined, lives disrupted and relationships and trust are destroyed.

All of these stories call us to action.
1 – to be very mindful of the relationships we have with others and make sure that we are not putting them or us into difficult situations.
2 – to be on the watch for inappropriate uses of power by others, calling attention to them in the most constructive way possible.
3 – to be brave and speak the truth in love.  These conversations usually start in private and begin with “I am concerned about what I think I am seeing…”
4 – to use appropriate channels to ask questions and share concerns, in a spirit of truth and not out of spite or revenge.

As a Christian, I want to be a person who does more than that which is required by the law of the land, and instead a person who does what is commanded by the love of God. These steps are all difficult and require prayer and support. This is a dangerous road to travel in this world we live in, but one that we must practice walking every day.

The quote at the top of the page is well-known.  It lifts up a negative aspect of power and brings it into the light, as if it were the ultimate truth.  But what if we lived by another truth…  our call to live out our vocations and callings in love and in faithfulness.  What if we took our faith commitments seriously in every aspect of our lives? What would the world look like if we lived this way every day?

Peace, Deb

“… God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.  We love because he first loved us. Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen. And he has given us this command: Anyone who loves God must also love their brother and sister.” (1 John 4:16-21) NIV